Remembering Ian

Just had our Israel Quiet Time. I know I don't have enough
sleep that night; I fetched Drew at Kdotcom around 2:30 am
am and our quiet time is scheduled at 5:30 am. That time,
Yuan told the group, "Para kayong mga taong nalugi!" referring to the
way I look during that morning. I just told him
"Puyat lang ako, di ako nalugi" but inside me was a mixture of emotions of
tiredness, loneliness and emptiness
trying to burst up. I just couldn't help, but I tried to smile.

Right after the quiet time, two things strike me. Submission and Pretentions.
And I can only think of one person regarding that matter; it's Ian.

To some who really don't know the whole and real story, people misjudged Ian
as a rebellious person; someone who can't submit to the authority just because
of the Calvinism issue. The belief in Total depravity,Unconditional Election,
Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace and Perseverance of the Saints. I was
once asked about the issue but I can't say anything because I really don't know
the Calvinism thing.

Pointing Ian as to the Culprit of the Division happening is unfair to him. Yes,
Calvinist have the tendency to be separatists but Ian is just being true to
what he feels and what he believes in. I would like to clear that he never
became a rebellious one, he just became SUBMISSIVE to what he believes in. In
the first place, he submitted to the authority when he was asked to have a
graceful exit to avoid conflicts because of his belief.

The other issue is pretentions. Yes, Ian never had the idea of what pretention
really is. In fact, it never became a part of his vocabulary. Knowing Ian for
for 5 years, and being his housemate for 2 years, I can say that he is really
true to his words.

One time when we had a Batch reunion, 4 of the most committed pals in the batch
actually had a problem on the ministry; they thought that staying in the ministry
for such a long time made them realize that they can no longer escape the said work.
It stuns me to hear those phrases, knowing that they are the ones who really did
commit to the work of the ministry. And right after the Calvinism deliberation,
one of the guys who once said that he is trapped had just escaped the said cage.

To those who have bitterness in their hearts that Ian left, mine has the opposite.
I admire that person, for being true and for submitting to the authority. If Ian is
there outside, mine is still the opposite. Trying to fit in a "theater-like"
situation where I have to be an actor on the said play submitting to the director's
instructions. If this would be my life, I still don't know. But someday, I would like
to remove my mask as an actor, not to to leave the theater world but to still be
there no longer as an actor, but delivering my real life story to the theater audience.